Chapter: 10

DÉJÀ VU
25th January 2004


How many times have you experienced this queer feeling of déjà vu. It suddenly hits you when you least expect it. You feel as if this moment which you are experiencing now has already taken place in some parallel universe. It cannot be described, it can only be felt.

It was my birthday few days back and it was definitely one of those special B’days. Anie took permission from her parents to talk to me that day. And she was the first person to wish me sharp at 12 am. And that day we were able to talk freely and without any worry after a long time. I also made a B’day wish although we should not tell them but still I want to tell you. I wished she could be my friend forever and requested God to make everything just like before, when we faced no problems in our friendship.

I was so happy that day, and the next day also I wanted to talk to her. Although I knew it wasn’t possible but again that feeling of insecurity and restlessness came back. Actually it never went away, that demon was growing each and every day. It kept on telling me that Anie will go away unless you take the next step. I started to believe that normal friendship between me and her would not be able to withstand the test of time. Since July onwards I could feel that distances between me and her were growing. And I needed a stronger bond than friendship so that I could hold onto her. Something which would make me an important part of her life.

I told you before also that Anie didn’t believe in love, she felt love was an artificial feeling while true friendship was much stronger and could pass any test of the time. I knew beforehand thus, that if I take the next step in our relationship everything will fall apart. She wouldn’t be able to accept me as her friend and would lose all her trust in me.

It was as if I was fighting a lost battle, in both circumstances I would lose. I was helpless actually; I never discussed this feeling of insecurity with Anie because I feared she might take it in the wrong sense. I definitely was overprotective in Anie’s case because in my eyes she was like a kid who just learnt to walk in this world. And I guess I wasn’t ready to let that kid wander alone in this world. I wanted to be with her lest she should get hurt. And therefore I found it hard when she wasn’t around me. I would start worrying about her unnecessarily and all my insecurities grew from this overprotective nature of mine.

On 25th night finally the demon inside my head was unleashed. We were messaging each other.
Me: Hey Anie what are you doing on 14th February? Why don’t u be my date?
Although this wasn’t the first time I asked this question, I used to always tease her since she didn’t believe in love. But before today I always asked this question in a casual manner but today it was different.
Anie: Sure why not.
Her standard answer, she knew I was kidding again, just pulling her leg.
Me: No seriously tell me.
Anie: You are kidding right?
Me: No I am serious.
Anie: Stop this…I don’t want to talk about this.
Me: Listen I seriously want you to be my girlfriend.

No reply came from other side after that. I tried calling her but she cancelled. I called again, she picked after 5-6 tries. She was crying, I didn’t know what to say. I had nothing to say actually, I didn’t even know what was happening. It appeared to be some kind of bad dream, because I really didn’t want to say all this. When I was typing those messages I could have told her anytime that I was kidding…but I didn’t. I kept on continuing…as if I was being made to do this and I had no control over my senses. I mean, till today I don’t know why I did that thing. I know I told you that I was thinking about it because of that insecurity paranoia I had but I never actually wanted to do this. That was just a thought at the back of my mind and everyday there are thousands of stupid thoughts which cross our minds but we never execute them, then why did I do this?

I kept silent so did she, our conversation lasted barely 10 minutes. I thought maybe we could still be friends but she was sure that she wouldn’t be able to see me as her friend now. She told me all the trust she had in me was gone. So it was not possible and we had to stop talking altogether now. She told me to take care for future and kept the phone down. I couldn’t even say Goodbye; guess I was too stunned or rather mortified. I was just praying to God to end this bad dream. I stood there in the balcony for more than 15 minutes not even reacting. And then I felt it, it was kind of a shockwave that we see in science fiction movies it came and brought with it, a feeling of déjà vu. Everything became clear, I could see the dream now which till yesterday I only felt. It did want to warn me, but I never saw this Doomsday coming.