Chapter: 12

SOMEWHERE I BELONG
15th March 2008

It happened in my case, even after 4 years I still have not been able to move on. I still am standing at those cross roads waiting for the 16 year old Anie to come back and take me with her. I still have not been able to realize that she infact has moved on, the old Anie which I met and the one which now exists are not the same. Although nobody would feel this, but only me because in Anie’s life that change was bound to come, because she wasn’t the one who changed her path of karma but it was me whose path didn’t move ahead with hers. I will explain with an example, refer the diagram above:

Assume 2 people A1 and B1 who are supposed to meet in this life, initially they both are carrying same charge which attracts both of those two towards their meeting or intersection points which is oppositely charged. How these Intersection or Meeting zones are created and destroyed are purely the work of destiny and your karma. Gradually and slowly these 2 people who were unaware of each other’s existences would meet one day. Now it depends how long these 2 people stay with each other, it can be 1 minute, 1 day or maybe 1 year or 1 decade. This entirely depends on other factors like destiny, karma etc. Now after the time expires, intersection zone will attain neutral charge and thus there will be no binding agent left and these 2 people will start going away from the core owing to their same charges. Now Intersection zone doesn’t attain neutral charge on its own, here comes role of circumstances, destiny, and other factors.

Now if somehow these circumstances are bi-product of both these people’s wish then both will be affected in same manner, like take an e.g. of divorce in which husband and wife both want to go away from each other, In those cases both the people will be pushed away with equal and opposite force by the core after their time expires.

But in cases like mine, when our time was about to expire, I tried to create another Intersection zone by taking the next step (proposing her). So what really should have happened was, gradually our first intersection zone would have died, now I am not saying it would have died in 2004, that was my assumption it was weakening, in reality who knows it would have stayed on for 20-30 years also but because I tried creating a new intersection zone, our old intersection zone which symbolized friendship got fused because remember the first intersection zone was meant for both of us and if any one of us tried to go away to another zone, the whole purpose of first intersection zone gets destroyed.

So what happened exactly was something like this:
1.We both met because of our karmas and good work in past lives. God saw two good souls and he created an intersection zone, and we both reached our meeting point in 2003 May.
2.I reached the peak of my insecurity phase ( which again we cannot categorize, maybe this was how we had to split and that is why I started having those insecurities or maybe it was not at all in the script set by God and was entirely my setup)
3.So I create another intersection zone nearby so that we can both jump onto it and continue being with each other.
4.Next I jumped to newly created zone causing the fusing of old zone because the whole purpose of old zone is lost.
5.Anie didn’t jump onto the new zone and because the old zone is also fused, she starts drifting away from me.
6.Now I am still stuck with my new zone and can only see Anie go far away.

So even after all these 4 years I am still stuck onto my intersection zone and Anie is drifting away somewhere else. I am not leaving this intersection, I am stuck onto this, I am afraid to let go because if I let go then I never can get her back. But the point which I am failing to understand is, she was not ready for this new zone and that is why drifted away. We cannot predict, maybe in future there might be a new zone created on which we both can again meet. But that is going to happen only if I let go of this zone. Only when I will let her old memories go, only when I will let the old Anie go can I ever think of meeting with the new Anie who is currently drifting far and far away. Remember she left 4 years back and I am still at the same point, you can imagine how far ahead she is right now. If for my whole life I keep thinking about the old Anie I will never ever meet the new Anie.

I definitely need to let go of this zone, I should not be here, I belong somewhere else, Somewhere I belong. And the Song by Linkin Park appears so true, especially these lines :

Nothing to gain, I am hollow and alone

And the fault is my own and the fault is my own.

I wanna heal i wanna feel what i thought was never real

I wanna let go of the pain ive felt so long.

Erase all the pain til its gone

I wanna heal i wanna feel like im close to something real.

I wanna find something ive wanted all along

Somewhere i belong