Chapter: 7

INSATIABLE HUNGER
20th November 2003

Human Nature is Insatiable; it can never be appeased or satisfied. You always want more, even if God has given you Millions of Dollars you want more, if you get success in your life you want more of it, if you get love from one person you still are not satisfied you crave for more. It’s not just with some human beings, it is with everyone. What you have with you, nobody cares for that but you always worry for what you don’t have. Maybe sometimes we take it for granted, take for e.g. the love of a mother for his child, the mother will always think about how she can keep her child happy, she will sacrifice her pleasures, even if she is suffering she will only show smiling face to her child because she has nothing but pure and unconditional love for her child. But how often do we reciprocate our love for our mother and father. They have nothing to gain by keeping us happy; nobody is giving them an award for being the best parents. Not even you, their children tell them how much you care about them but still they keep on showering love and affection on you. We take their love for granted, keeping our motives, our ambitions, our desires on top and not even worrying about their feelings sometimes. Why? When you go on looking for love in the whole world, saying all the time that God is being unfair, he wants me to suffer without true love. Why are you blaming God? He gave you good parents, good family, good friends who have nothing but true love in their hearts for you. But you can’t see that, because you take their love for granted.

Same was the case with me, God gave me wonderful family, beautiful friends but still I was not satisfied. I wanted more. God sent a beautiful angel from heaven but I still wasn’t satisfied. I wanted more. Even with all these pure souls around me, I still wanted more.

After Anie had gone to her school, I was always little apprehensive. Sometimes when I used to be alone, I would imagine she has made new friends and forgotten about me. In reality this wasn’t true, but my insecurity and my insatiability drove me crazy. I would feel God was mean to me, because he punished me when I didn’t do any crime. I started questioning God that why was Anie brought into my life when I cant even be with her, when I cant even provide her a shoulder to cry on, when I can’t even talk to her when she needs me. Yes you are right I desired more, I couldn’t see what I still had left with me. I craved for something that never was there, something that was never ever meant to be there. I took Anie’s love for granted; I took God’s blessings for granted. I wasn’t interested in seeing what I already had, I had a beautiful friend who cared about me, who worried about me, who was always there for me if not physically but definitely mentally and spiritually. But still I wasn’t happy. God did send the Angel for which I yearned for but I denounced even that Angel.

There were days when I would think what should I do to appease God, I would think maybe I have done some sins in my past life because of which I am getting this punishment, but never did I realize that I was committing the sins each and everyday. I was trying to appease everyone so that God can take my bad days away but never once I tried to appease myself. Never I tried to be satisfied with whatever I got.

The insecurity kept growing while Anie was away and I kept on asking for more. Anie had told me once that she didn’t believe in love, she just believed in making friends because friends are your mirror image. You can share anything with them, shout at them, laugh with them, cry with them. “A friend is a hand that is always holding yours, no matter how close or far apart you may be. A friend is someone who is always there and will always, always care. A friend is a feeling of forever in the heart”

When you are in love with someone there is always that hesitation and reluctance which comes; What if he/she doesn’t like if I tell the truth bluntly, how he/she will react to it. Will this thing hurt my lover? Also you start to have expectations from your counterpart when you are in love; you feel like killing him/her if they forget your anniversary or your birthday. And if your counterpart doesn’t meet your expectations you start to have troubles also. Dr. M. Scott Peck in his book The Road less traveled has explained clearly how this phenomenon works. When you fall in love, in the start you never have any expectations because you don’t know that person too well, but slowly you start realizing that he is the one for you. You start Expecting Something or the other from the other person and when he doesn’t meet those expectations you sort of feel bad. Slowly and gradually you begin to see that you and your counterpart are not one soul as you thought but you are two different humans, each with their individual identities and personalities. And then you start complaining and desiring for more love, compassion, and care.

I am not saying that human beings should therefore never fall in love. Problems will come in each and every kind of relationships but yes when you are in love it hurts the most because expectations are very high. Maybe this was the reason why Anie didn’t believe in love, maybe she also didn’t want that hesitation and reluctance, the fear that how her friends would react to her opinions or her judgments. Or maybe she was in love with someone and the other person wasn’t up to her expectations as she thought earlier and after that she was so hurt that she couldn’t trust anyone. Whatever was the reason I didn’t try to implore much into this issue.

I loved her as a friend and she loved me as a friend and that was enough. But my insatiable hunger for more was definitely urging me to take the next step. I don’t know why but at that time I was under the impression that love is bigger than friendship. I thought that someday definitely she would find her true love even though she wasn’t ready now, and then maybe I would lose my place in her heart. What I never understood at that time was the fact that she would still share with me things that she can’t share with her counterpart. There can never be a substitute for a true friend. And I was that friend but I could not see that, I felt only if I become her true love can I give her happiness. Only then I would ensure nobody will come in between our friendship. I could not accept that she should go to any other person when she was in need, I should be her Best Friend. Only flaw which I never saw then, was the pure simple fact that I infact was her Best Friend and nobody could substitute me; not even Anie but only my Insatiable hunger, which desired more and more.