PREFACE

Dedicated to my "Angel"

When I have no one to turn to

And I am feeling kind of low,

When there is no one to talk to

And nowhere I want to go,

I search deep within myself

It is the love inside my heart

That lets me know my Angel is there

Even though we are miles apart.

A smile then appears upon my face

And the sun begins to shine.

I hear a voice, so soft and sweet

Saying, 'Everything will be just fine'

It may seem that I am alone

But I am never by myself at all,

Whenever I need my Angel is near

All I have to do is call.

An Angel's love is always true

On that you can depend.

They will always stand behind you

And will always be your friend.

Through darkest hours and brightest days

Our Angel's see us through

They smile when we are happy,

And will cry when we are blue.

Thanks for being my Angel my friend

I will be there for you until the end.

Disclaimer: This story is based on a real life incident, only the names have been changed to protect the identity of individuals mentioned. All characters names appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental.

Chapter: 1

MOURNING RAVEN
March 15, 2008

In Roman Catholic Christianity, purgatory is the condition, process, or place of purification or temporary punishment in which the souls of those who die in a state of grace are made ready for heaven.

Roman Catholic doctrine says, some souls are not sufficiently free from sin and its consequences to enter the state of heaven immediately, nor are they so sinful as to be destined for hell either. Such souls, ultimately destined to be united with God in heaven, must first endure purgatory - a state of purification. In purgatory, souls "achieve the holiness necessary to enter the joy of heaven”.

As Purgatorius Ignis (purifying fire) touches my soul, causing pain so unbearable for any human, I let out a Far Cry to my "Angel"-

Save me, O Angel, because the floods come in upon my soul;
I sink in depths where none can stand; Deep waters, o’er me roll.
My constant calling wearies me; My throat is parched and dried,
My eyes grow dim while for my Angel, Still waiting I abide.
It is my zeal for Thine abode that has consumed my life;
Reproached by those reproaching Thee, I suffer in the strife.

As I lie there mourning in the Purgatory, all those haunting memories come back, bringing me back to life. And I become The Raven meant to symbolize mournful and never-ending remembrance.

Chapter: 2

RETURN TO INNOCENCE
August 25th 2001

I have a vision that one day this whole world would retrace its steps, we will be back from where we started this journey. Have you seen a baby, few months old, dressed in white, looking so pure and innocent. You genuinely want to give all happiness of the world to that baby. When the baby cries, you make all the efforts so that she/he can smile again. Smile, which can wipe away all your sadness, all your worries, all your troubles and end all your miseries. You attain a sort of Nirvana and are in a state of absolute bliss seeing the baby play, laugh, and smile in your arms. You want to protect the baby from all evils. You want to make sure nobody can trouble him/her. You want the baby to remain inside the cocoon which you have built around him/her. Similarly when the universe just started, the whole world was like a new born baby, slowly and gradually as time passed away, we began to find our identities, find our motive on this planet, we began to manipulate things for our survival. Innocence was soon lost; all I see now before my eyes is hatred, deceit, phoniness. I wish, I could find an angel somewhere, who would be just like the baby. I would protect the angel from this phony world, from this selfish and manipulative mankind. I will always keep my angel happy and away from all evils.


But then a question comes to my mind – Why should you be given an opportunity to protect the angel? What if you fail to protect the angel? How can the Gods trust you?


But I know deep down my heart, I have a purpose which I need to fulfill. It enables me to live, to breathe, and to fight. Nothing but Purity of heart is desired to serve the purpose and God knows deep inside this burning heart, there exists nothing but pure and unconditional love which will help me to succeed one day, and soon the world will return to Innocence.

Chapter: 3

LOST AND FOUND
May 10th 2003

I sat in front of my PC at odd hours trying to pass away the time. I logged onto Yahoo Chat and started chatting with few people present in a Chat Room. I always had this fascination to talk to new people but because I am somewhat shy by nature and since I can covey my thoughts better in writing, I started chatting a year back. So here I was trying to initiate a few talks with people present and suddenly one ID caught my eye. But unfortunately by the time I could message, that person had left the room. So I tried to follow that person and after changing 2-3 rooms landed up in another Chat Room. I thought to myself that finally I would be able to talk to someone active atleast. Dunno if people are aware but in all chat rooms either people are shouting slangs on main screen or they are nestled somewhere in their private shell and are not keen to talk to fellows they don’t know. Then why do they visit public chat rooms if they are not keen to talk to strangers.

Anyways I located the ID I was looking for and just when I was about to send my first message an IM window pops up on my screen from ID called ANGEL saying Hi and ASL (for those who don’t know the full form it stands for Age, Sex, Location). Whoa that really annoyed me, because most of times if you get a popup from an unknown person then it is obvious that some guy got confused looking at my Chat ID and is thinking I am a girl. So, quickly I messaged back MALE HERE to ward him off and shut down the window. Pat came the reply I know that. Boy this was too much but still as a matter of extending courtesy told 19/M and asked the same question back and tried to concentrate at the other ID. Ting Tong, another message 16/F here. Alright I have had enough; I thought to myself that this is definitely a guy who is pretending to be a girl. And I asked a stupid question –

Me: Are you sure?

And all hell broke on the other side. And I was flooded with a barrage of responses. What do you think I am a guy who is using a female id? Why do you say such a thing? What do you think of yourself?

Me: Alright lady listen I am in no mood to have an argument here but I guess I will clarify why I thought you are a guy. Generally trend says that in a chat room of 50 people 45 are guys and 5 are girls. Out of those 5 girls, 2 or 3 are fake and remaining 2 are not really interested in talking to strangers. So it was a little bit of a shock for me that you being a girl would ping a guy first and even more shocking since I am not active on the main screen, and you chose me to talk to out of all remaining people.

I quickly glanced at all the other IDs present in the room to see why she picked me as obviously there was nothing magical about my id for sure. But wait a second, where the hell is she? I mean why I can’t locate her in the room. Damn it who is she and how she found my id if she is not even in the room.

So I asked another stupid question – How did you find me? I mean in which room are you located? I can’t seem to see your id in my room.

Guess she was a little angry but nevertheless came reply – I am in Lounge Chat and I saw you joining the room so I messaged you as you were the newest member otherwise no general reason as such. If you don’t want to talk its ok.

There you go didn’t I tell you nothing magical about my ID just pure coincidence. But boy what a big one for sure, she found me when I was following the other ID and definitely I wouldn’t have stayed in her room for more than 2-3 seconds. But she spotted me in such a short span of time.

I realized I was definitely rude to her.

Me: Sorry if I was rude, I really didn’t anticipate your message and usually it’s considered strange here if a girl pings an unknown guy. Hey aren’t you feeling sleepy?

Now where did that come from, why I have to ask this question here. I don’t know I have this feeling that girls don’t generally stay up late and that too for chatting. Alrite you got me, I was still trying to be sure that she was not a guy. Don’t know why I behave like a skeptic sometimes.

Angel: It’s Ok. I guess I really should not be here. My brother stops me from chatting. He says it is not a nice place. And No, I am not sleepy, I stay up late usually.

Me: Your brother is right. This place isn’t good; hardly you come across any nice people. Anyways so why do you chat?

Angel: Mmm Dunno, to meet new people… make friends.

Me: Friends…hmmm interesting. I am chatting from last one year and definitely haven’t made any friends. Since when are you chatting?

Angel: Just stated 2 days back.

Me: Oh really, Now I mean for you it will be very exciting and all to see so many people at once and getting a chance to talk to them.

Angel: No, not really I don’t really go out and talk to strangers myself.

Me: But you did in my case. Remember?

Angel: Hmmm...Right but dunno why?

Our Conversation continued for good 2 hours more. Her real name was Anie. After finishing the conversation, I felt a little weird. You know when you talk to a person on Internet you always try to make a faint picture of that person. But in this case, I had a clear picture in my mind. Cute and Sweet looking face with a definite glow, big eyes with a sparkle, innocent smile of a baby, long dark hairs. Gosh, I was scared to death, I could actually see her. How? I don’t know but one thing was for sure this definitely wasn’t any stranger - I definitely somehow lost her all this while and found her today. My Friend, My Angel.

Chapter: 4

A NEW BEGINNING
June 8th 2003

Yippee, exams are over. Oh sorry guess I forgot to tell you, yeah I study in a University. And I am pretty good at studies as well. So after the exams, I am back to my hometown for holidays. Damn it, it’s still Morning she told me she will be online by 10 pm. Long wait…1 month almost, but in this 1 month I did talk to her twice and exchanged a few mails as well. You know how it is in friendship; there are always crests and troughs. When you meet someone new, you hit a crest, you get to know loads about that person and after sometime you hit the troughs zone when you almost come to a standstill and only tiny winy information is exchanged. And then the cycle starts over again. But it’s a privilege to know such a beautiful person like my friend Anie. I mean the more I come to know about her, the more I feel I already knew this thing. Its like you already have met her somewhere, forgotten her and now you again are meeting her. So the things keep getting clearer and you feel she is just a mirror image of you. Ok not exactly a mirror image but maybe it’s like we two are part of the same soul which broke when we were born and are now the two parts are trying to connect to each other.

Alright its night time and I finally get to see her. She is just the same as when we last talked - Cute, bubbly and sweet. And yes a complete chatterbox.

Angel: You know I made 2-3 good friends in the last month. One of them is really a good friend you know, One day we were talking on the phone for around 2 hours non stop and we were like not even aware of what we were talking. It was so funny.

Me: Wait a second, Phone? You called him? I mean you know him in person? Moreover you never called me .

Angel: Oh Why you had to say this thing…I was going to call you in a few days, I was preparing to give you a surprise.

Me: Oh Ok Sorry for that. So what else?

Angel: Not much, listen do you have your phone with you right now.

Me: Yeah why?

Angel: Ok let me call you.

Me: Now! At this time?

Angel: Yeah why any problem?

Me: No not really, ok give me 5 mins and then you can call me.

Well I was sort of taken aback at this request. I mean it’s not like I didn’t want to talk to her on phone but I was a little nervous. These are two different things talking on phone and on net. And I already told you I am little shy.

Phone ringing…

Me: Hello (almost sounding like a dead guy speaking)

Anie: Hi…Why are you sounding so feeble?

Boy she surely caught me there…

Me: Oh no nothing, can’t speak loudly as everyone is asleep here.

Anie: Oh Sorry I didn’t think about that. Then I guess its better that we talk online.

Me: I guess yeah.

So that was it. My first conversation with my angel. Although hardly a conversation but still, you must have heard that voice, it was so sweet and mellow and in that voice you could feel the purity and truthness of her soul, which you hardly find in today’s world.

After the first conversation she used to call me up almost everyday and we used to talk for hours. I don’t even remember what we used to talk for those hours. I mean you guys must be thinking that she must have done all the talking. Yeah some what true but after few days I also became quite frank and was able to convey my worries and problems to her, help her out if she needed anything. We used to talk about movies, food, music, her daily routine. I got to know a lot about her past, about her family, about her values and ideals in life. And as I told before it was about rediscovering these things for me, somewhere down the line I had forgotten about all this and it was fun to discover all these things again. We had a sense of telepathy, I don’t know how to describe it but it was really cool. I mean I could guess sometimes what she was thinking, if her mood was bad, or if she was sad about anything. And ditto, she could guess things which I hardly ever told her.

This way, I found my angel. The one I longed for, the one I desired to protect, to keep away from all evils, to keep her happy, be with her when she needed me. She was my friend, my mentor, my guide, my sweet little angel. I thank god for this blessing and for this new beginning.

Chapter: 5

LAW OF AVERAGES
July 2nd 2003

It’s been more than 2 months since I first met Anie. But it feels as if I know her from a long time. She has qualities which you hardly find in modern human beings – heart made up of Gold, innocence of a baby, extremely truthful to herself, her parents, her friends and yes, extremely emotional and sensitive. She is also pretty mature considering she is just 16. I mean if you tell her any problem, she will listen with complete patience, understand the issue and respond to it with such maturity and perfection that you will feel like you are getting an advice from someone twice your age J . She loves being with kids and despite her being so mature sometimes she can pretty well behave just like them. One more thing you really got to see her when she is laughing. I mean you can’t and I can bet my life on it you just can’t stop her if she starts laughing. She can go on and on and on. And when you join her, you forget all the worries, you even forget where you are, it lifts yourself so high and you are in a state of eternal bliss. You can really feel your soul becoming happier and reaching a state of extreme calmness and tranquility.

Anie also shared with me her problems, her worries. She found it hard to adjust with her schoolmates with whom she had a few bad experiences. I told her to be strong, taught her how to hit back if they hit you. I told her not to be feeble and weak. I knew she needed emotional support and someone who could listen to her when she was in need. And I can never thank God enough for giving me this opportunity to help her. I just wanted her to be happy. I used to question God sometimes that why do you give pain and troubles to good spirits? But I always knew God is always testing you with these sorts of problems. Everything, good or bad that happens in life happens for a reason. If God is testing you, he will make sure that he will send his angels, which will be always there to show you the right path. You just need to have faith and believe in yourself, your family and in God and all the problems and worries will go away. “Worries end where faith begins.”

I promised God that since he has given me this opportunity to help Anie, I won’t disappoint him. I will always be there for her no matter what the circumstances are.


As I told earlier, everything in life happens for a reason. And sometimes things are meant to happen in a particular order and no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try to change the course of things, you will never ever succeed. If it is written in your destiny then there is nothing you can do to change that.

On July 2nd I got a call from Anie, she usually called me after 11 but that day she called around 9. Before picking the phone only, I knew something wrong has happened. I went out of the house and took the call. I was right, she was crying on the phone. I tried to console her and tried to ask what happened. After sometime she told me the reason – Apparently her parents had told her to stop talking to me. It’s not like that her parents didn’t know about me before, she did tell them about me. Guess they didn’t like it from the starting itself that she was talking to an anonymous person met through internet but now seeing that she became quite a good friend of mine, they advised her to break all ties. I knew that she came from a conservative family and her parents like all other parents would like to protect their child from wrong people. But why me? That was my first question to myself.

Me: Anie you know me right, quite well, I mean I understand they are worried and concerned about you. But I am not a bad person, you know me right. I don’t understand, I can talk to them if you want, to remove any misconceptions.

She told me it’s not possible to change their minds now. And she can’t go against their wishes. She told me if that she respects her parents a lot and would never do anything against her wishes.

I can’t forget that day, for few seconds I didn’t know what to say; I didn’t know what went wrong. Why it has be this way God? I never have done any bad thing to anyone then why this punishment? She was my strength, my mentor, my guide; I can never in my 1000 lives think anything bad about her. And now I stand before her labeled as a person who can harm her. I wasn’t sad that I could never talk to her again but why it has to end on a sour note, I felt like crying. I wanted to scream aloud that I am not a bad person. I have been handed over a punishment for a crime that I never even committed.

But after thinking over it for sometime I accepted it as my fate. I knew this wasn’t the way it was supposed to be but I tried to put myself in Anie’s parent’s shoes and could see their concern. She knows I am a good guy, I know I am not bad, but for her parents I remain an anonymous guy. They haven’t seen me or talked to me. They obviously have to be concerned about their daughter. I tried to act normal, it was tough to control the tears, but I knew if I would break down she wouldn’t be able to take it. I had to be strong so that she could abide by her parent’s decision without any guilt or hesitation.

I bid her Goodbye with a promise that although we may never talk again but I will always remember her and she can find me close to her heart always, as a true friend.

That Night I couldn’t sleep, I tried fighting with God, asking him why it had to be this way but as I said before there are moments in life when things are not under your control. Along with Joy there comes pain. It’s a vicious circle that you cannot escape. That’s why life is like “The law of Averages” , you can just keep hoping that things go your way but if they don’t; don’t be dejected, don’t lose the hope because “Hope my friend is a good thing, maybe the best thing and no good thing ever dies”

Chapter: 6

HOPE IS A GOOD THING
25th October 2003

You must be wondering why I am so obsessed with hope. I mean it’s perfectly alright if you wish for something but if your wish doesn’t come true, how long can you hold on to it. Isn’t it easier to just let go? I mean all we are doing then is Hoping against hope. You know deep inside your mind that your wish will now never come true but still there is a part inside your heart which tells you that you shouldn’t let go of your desires, wishes, and hopes. I read somewhere that a human can last for thirty days without food, few days without water, few minutes without oxygen but only a few seconds without hope. Then why should I lose hope, why should I lose my purpose, lose the ideals upon which I have based my life, why should I abandon them?

So after the day she was gone I thanked god because it could have been worse; Only because I kept on hoping all these years was I blessed with such a special friend and now even if she is gone, I cannot forget what she taught me, I cannot forget the days she was with me. Imagine if she wouldn’t have even come at all in my life. And more importantly she believes in me, she knows I didn’t do anything wrong, so why should I be sad? Why should I think she is gone for eternity, why my friend then shouldn’t I hope that she will be back one day.

And as I said before hope never dies, she did come back. Things weren’t normal as before but yes they became a lot better. We started mailing to each other; she used to tell me about her whole day, about her studies, her friends. She was supposed to go to a Boarding School and this would be the first time when she would be out of her home. So she definitely was nervous about the kids there, how she would be able to adjust but I always was there to ease her worries. I was also nervous as hell because she is such a sweet, little, innocent girl, and you guys know about Boarding School. The kids there, are really smart and manipulative, it’s definitely tough to survive in there. But in a way, I was also happy for her, because I didn’t want that she should be in her comfort zone always for rest of her life, someday she had to come out of the cocoon. Although you mite feel, I am losing my mind here, as I always was in favor of innocence and protecting the kids in a cocoon so that they are away from this phony world but I have come to realize this important point the hard way and you also have to understand that you won’t be there with your loved ones always, sometimes they will be all alone and then they should be in a position to deal with all this. I am not saying she should become just like them but of course she should be able to handle them without getting hurt.

She used to write weekly from her school and I used to really wait for that mail. I always hoped that everything was fine with her. Oh yeah, I did forget to mention she used to get ill very often. Don’t know why but maybe because she used to take things directly to her heart. She definitely was alone there; I mean it’s pretty hard to find people like you if you happen to be a good person like her. I encouraged her to make new friends there so that she wasn’t all alone. But you could gauge from her letters that she was finding it tough to adjust in new surroundings. I could only pray and motivate her to see silver lining in the dark clouds and keep believing in herself and God. She used to believe in Angels, she told me they are her only hope, and after meeting Anie I too started believing in them and I prayed each night to God and Angels to take care of my friend, my angel.

Chapter: 7

INSATIABLE HUNGER
20th November 2003

Human Nature is Insatiable; it can never be appeased or satisfied. You always want more, even if God has given you Millions of Dollars you want more, if you get success in your life you want more of it, if you get love from one person you still are not satisfied you crave for more. It’s not just with some human beings, it is with everyone. What you have with you, nobody cares for that but you always worry for what you don’t have. Maybe sometimes we take it for granted, take for e.g. the love of a mother for his child, the mother will always think about how she can keep her child happy, she will sacrifice her pleasures, even if she is suffering she will only show smiling face to her child because she has nothing but pure and unconditional love for her child. But how often do we reciprocate our love for our mother and father. They have nothing to gain by keeping us happy; nobody is giving them an award for being the best parents. Not even you, their children tell them how much you care about them but still they keep on showering love and affection on you. We take their love for granted, keeping our motives, our ambitions, our desires on top and not even worrying about their feelings sometimes. Why? When you go on looking for love in the whole world, saying all the time that God is being unfair, he wants me to suffer without true love. Why are you blaming God? He gave you good parents, good family, good friends who have nothing but true love in their hearts for you. But you can’t see that, because you take their love for granted.

Same was the case with me, God gave me wonderful family, beautiful friends but still I was not satisfied. I wanted more. God sent a beautiful angel from heaven but I still wasn’t satisfied. I wanted more. Even with all these pure souls around me, I still wanted more.

After Anie had gone to her school, I was always little apprehensive. Sometimes when I used to be alone, I would imagine she has made new friends and forgotten about me. In reality this wasn’t true, but my insecurity and my insatiability drove me crazy. I would feel God was mean to me, because he punished me when I didn’t do any crime. I started questioning God that why was Anie brought into my life when I cant even be with her, when I cant even provide her a shoulder to cry on, when I can’t even talk to her when she needs me. Yes you are right I desired more, I couldn’t see what I still had left with me. I craved for something that never was there, something that was never ever meant to be there. I took Anie’s love for granted; I took God’s blessings for granted. I wasn’t interested in seeing what I already had, I had a beautiful friend who cared about me, who worried about me, who was always there for me if not physically but definitely mentally and spiritually. But still I wasn’t happy. God did send the Angel for which I yearned for but I denounced even that Angel.

There were days when I would think what should I do to appease God, I would think maybe I have done some sins in my past life because of which I am getting this punishment, but never did I realize that I was committing the sins each and everyday. I was trying to appease everyone so that God can take my bad days away but never once I tried to appease myself. Never I tried to be satisfied with whatever I got.

The insecurity kept growing while Anie was away and I kept on asking for more. Anie had told me once that she didn’t believe in love, she just believed in making friends because friends are your mirror image. You can share anything with them, shout at them, laugh with them, cry with them. “A friend is a hand that is always holding yours, no matter how close or far apart you may be. A friend is someone who is always there and will always, always care. A friend is a feeling of forever in the heart”

When you are in love with someone there is always that hesitation and reluctance which comes; What if he/she doesn’t like if I tell the truth bluntly, how he/she will react to it. Will this thing hurt my lover? Also you start to have expectations from your counterpart when you are in love; you feel like killing him/her if they forget your anniversary or your birthday. And if your counterpart doesn’t meet your expectations you start to have troubles also. Dr. M. Scott Peck in his book The Road less traveled has explained clearly how this phenomenon works. When you fall in love, in the start you never have any expectations because you don’t know that person too well, but slowly you start realizing that he is the one for you. You start Expecting Something or the other from the other person and when he doesn’t meet those expectations you sort of feel bad. Slowly and gradually you begin to see that you and your counterpart are not one soul as you thought but you are two different humans, each with their individual identities and personalities. And then you start complaining and desiring for more love, compassion, and care.

I am not saying that human beings should therefore never fall in love. Problems will come in each and every kind of relationships but yes when you are in love it hurts the most because expectations are very high. Maybe this was the reason why Anie didn’t believe in love, maybe she also didn’t want that hesitation and reluctance, the fear that how her friends would react to her opinions or her judgments. Or maybe she was in love with someone and the other person wasn’t up to her expectations as she thought earlier and after that she was so hurt that she couldn’t trust anyone. Whatever was the reason I didn’t try to implore much into this issue.

I loved her as a friend and she loved me as a friend and that was enough. But my insatiable hunger for more was definitely urging me to take the next step. I don’t know why but at that time I was under the impression that love is bigger than friendship. I thought that someday definitely she would find her true love even though she wasn’t ready now, and then maybe I would lose my place in her heart. What I never understood at that time was the fact that she would still share with me things that she can’t share with her counterpart. There can never be a substitute for a true friend. And I was that friend but I could not see that, I felt only if I become her true love can I give her happiness. Only then I would ensure nobody will come in between our friendship. I could not accept that she should go to any other person when she was in need, I should be her Best Friend. Only flaw which I never saw then, was the pure simple fact that I infact was her Best Friend and nobody could substitute me; not even Anie but only my Insatiable hunger, which desired more and more.

Chapter: 8

SERENDIPITY
10th January 2004

I was back from my college after my exams in December and was waiting for her to come online. We used to sometimes chat apart from exchanging mails, when either of us was feeling extremely low. She did take permission from her parents before doing that. Yes I forgot to mention one thing, all this while I didn’t see Anie. I mean I asked her to show her picture but she didn’t get a chance to get it scanned. Although her image was quite clear in my mind but still I wanted to make sure I was right. After New Year she was supposed to come to my hometown to her relative’s house. So I gave her the suggestion that we could meet if she was fine with the idea. She told that wasn’t possible, I also knew it wasn’t right to ask her to meet me considering just few days back her parents allowed her to talk to me online but I was really anxious to see her. Trust me anyone would be; who wouldn’t want to see a real angel.

But I understood her situation and asked her to enjoy her stay at my city. On January 10th I went out to celebrate my friend’s B’day. We had our lunch and were roaming here and there; suddenly I saw in front of me a girl facing away wearing a black overcoat. She had a decent height and had long hairs. My heart started beating heavily, I couldn’t see her face initially but I knew the inevitable had happened. I distanced myself from her and messaged on her phone that where are you right now? And you can guess the answer. Next question, although wasn’t required but trust me in such situations your mind stops working; Are you wearing a black overcoat? Again no points for guessing the answer.

And boy I ran straight down the Staircase, to the place where I saw her, but unfortunately she was not there. I started looking for her frantically all over but could not find her. Disappointed I stood near the staircase to have a clear view of the Shopping Mall, and then it finally happened. Right in front of me she stood, she couldn’t wave as she was with her parents but still she gave a smile when she saw me. I only heard this saying but at that moment I could feel it coming true; “When you truly want something, when you truly desire something, then the whole of universe conspires so that your wish comes true”. I almost cried seeing her, she looked so pristine. And she was exact replica of the image I had in my mind. Same face, ditto eyes, same long hairs, that innocent smile. I only saw angels in movies and books so far but that day I not only saw but also met an Angel. Although we didn’t talk but for me that day, connection between our souls was made. You always find people in today’s world who are beautiful from outside but from inside they are hollow; but looking at Anie you can guess she is not only beautiful from outside but also from inside. The glow which I saw that day on her face was the proof of the taintless, untouched and pristine soul of hers.


You generally see such coincidences in Movies or read them in fiction books but trust me this ain’t a fiction, this is true and I witnessed it. They way I met her on the internet; Nobody would believe such an unexpected meeting. Why did she message me on that day, why did she choose me to talk to? Then today out of all the places present in the city how did both of us land at the same place? How come we both know at what time to come online when one of us is in distress, without even communication by any other source? Think about it, even chances of such events happening are pretty low in real life but they did happen and I witnessed them. These are not mere coincidences; this is something else altogether, as if there is some power big enough, strong enough which is making all these things happen. We are just witnessing them, feeling them, but we are not controlling them. No Science can control or predict the happening of such rare events; this is definitely a supreme force trying to signal something, trying to make a connection between two lost spirits. Poor Anie also didn’t believe me when I tried to convince her that I wasn’t there at that place because she messaged me about the location, I already saw her first and then messaged her to confirm if she indeed was the one. I could give you another 100 instances but I guess nobody would believe, people would try to call this Fluke or Serendipity. Alas! Only if they could see, all these events from my perspective.

Chapter: 9

POWER OF DREAMS
24th January 2004


Do you believe in power of dreams? Is it possible for our dreams to come true? Why do we see these dreams? Do they serve any purpose? Can we interpret our dreams and understand their purpose?

Too many questions right. And all these are questions for which there exists no unique or correct answer. Ok, I will try to ask a simple question then. What is a dream? According to me it is a powerful tool of representation of everything that is active in your subconscious mind. You are not even aware of things going on in your subconscious mind but somewhere in your mind there is a repository, a vault which captures all these thoughts. Dreams are means to broadcast these thoughts to your conscious level. After these thoughts reach your conscious level, you can try to interpret them and by working on those thoughts you can turn these dreams into a vision which can then be translated into reality.

Simple Right, but too many times we try to ignore these dreams, dismissing them as absurd or unreal. But sometimes, we witness a very powerful dream. A dream so powerful that it shatters the barriers of virtual world and enters into the realm of reality. You no longer are just watching the dream but you become a part of that dream. You start feeling all types of emotions that you experience in real world like pain, anger, joy. You become totally involved in it and suddenly there comes a moment, a pause, and then you experience a complete blackout. And then you wake up. You still remain in between the virtual world and real world trying to figure out the meaning and purpose of the dream.

It happened to me on that fateful night of 24th January. I was pretty tired after the day’s ordeal and went to bed quite early. At around 2 am I felt a pain so unbearable, so real near my left chest. The pain was excruciating, as if someone was driving a burning stake right through my heart. I could literally feel my heart being split apart. And then all of a sudden, I felt something got detached from my body. I could experience, that something, I don’t know what, but something definitely was going away. It was as if that thing was leaving my body and going far far away. I tried to scream, to fight it but no use. I lay there motionless and then everything went black. And I woke up; I was really scared at that time. I was sweating profusely. It took sometime for me to come to the real world. Damn it, I could still feel something burning near my left chest.

I went out and drank 3 glasses of water. After that I went to the balcony to get some fresh air. After 5-10 minutes I started to recollect the dream. It was hardly a dream, it was really weird I could not see anything; I could only feel the things happening. The dream didn’t make any sense to me. Why would I feel such a pain (I sincerely hope it was not a case of heart attack, just kidding) but seriously I felt the pain and I have no clue, what that thing was that parted away. After giving a thought, I rejected the dream, thinking it was some anxiety which led to this chest pain. And went back to sleep.

I underestimated the power of that dream, it definitely wanted to signal something, give some sort of a warning. That night if I would have understood the purpose of that dream, probably this book would never have been written.You guys will soon find out the reason why.

Chapter: 10

DÉJÀ VU
25th January 2004


How many times have you experienced this queer feeling of déjà vu. It suddenly hits you when you least expect it. You feel as if this moment which you are experiencing now has already taken place in some parallel universe. It cannot be described, it can only be felt.

It was my birthday few days back and it was definitely one of those special B’days. Anie took permission from her parents to talk to me that day. And she was the first person to wish me sharp at 12 am. And that day we were able to talk freely and without any worry after a long time. I also made a B’day wish although we should not tell them but still I want to tell you. I wished she could be my friend forever and requested God to make everything just like before, when we faced no problems in our friendship.

I was so happy that day, and the next day also I wanted to talk to her. Although I knew it wasn’t possible but again that feeling of insecurity and restlessness came back. Actually it never went away, that demon was growing each and every day. It kept on telling me that Anie will go away unless you take the next step. I started to believe that normal friendship between me and her would not be able to withstand the test of time. Since July onwards I could feel that distances between me and her were growing. And I needed a stronger bond than friendship so that I could hold onto her. Something which would make me an important part of her life.

I told you before also that Anie didn’t believe in love, she felt love was an artificial feeling while true friendship was much stronger and could pass any test of the time. I knew beforehand thus, that if I take the next step in our relationship everything will fall apart. She wouldn’t be able to accept me as her friend and would lose all her trust in me.

It was as if I was fighting a lost battle, in both circumstances I would lose. I was helpless actually; I never discussed this feeling of insecurity with Anie because I feared she might take it in the wrong sense. I definitely was overprotective in Anie’s case because in my eyes she was like a kid who just learnt to walk in this world. And I guess I wasn’t ready to let that kid wander alone in this world. I wanted to be with her lest she should get hurt. And therefore I found it hard when she wasn’t around me. I would start worrying about her unnecessarily and all my insecurities grew from this overprotective nature of mine.

On 25th night finally the demon inside my head was unleashed. We were messaging each other.
Me: Hey Anie what are you doing on 14th February? Why don’t u be my date?
Although this wasn’t the first time I asked this question, I used to always tease her since she didn’t believe in love. But before today I always asked this question in a casual manner but today it was different.
Anie: Sure why not.
Her standard answer, she knew I was kidding again, just pulling her leg.
Me: No seriously tell me.
Anie: You are kidding right?
Me: No I am serious.
Anie: Stop this…I don’t want to talk about this.
Me: Listen I seriously want you to be my girlfriend.

No reply came from other side after that. I tried calling her but she cancelled. I called again, she picked after 5-6 tries. She was crying, I didn’t know what to say. I had nothing to say actually, I didn’t even know what was happening. It appeared to be some kind of bad dream, because I really didn’t want to say all this. When I was typing those messages I could have told her anytime that I was kidding…but I didn’t. I kept on continuing…as if I was being made to do this and I had no control over my senses. I mean, till today I don’t know why I did that thing. I know I told you that I was thinking about it because of that insecurity paranoia I had but I never actually wanted to do this. That was just a thought at the back of my mind and everyday there are thousands of stupid thoughts which cross our minds but we never execute them, then why did I do this?

I kept silent so did she, our conversation lasted barely 10 minutes. I thought maybe we could still be friends but she was sure that she wouldn’t be able to see me as her friend now. She told me all the trust she had in me was gone. So it was not possible and we had to stop talking altogether now. She told me to take care for future and kept the phone down. I couldn’t even say Goodbye; guess I was too stunned or rather mortified. I was just praying to God to end this bad dream. I stood there in the balcony for more than 15 minutes not even reacting. And then I felt it, it was kind of a shockwave that we see in science fiction movies it came and brought with it, a feeling of déjà vu. Everything became clear, I could see the dream now which till yesterday I only felt. It did want to warn me, but I never saw this Doomsday coming.

Chapter: 11

COMFORTABLY NUMB
26th January 2004 – 26th January 2008

How do you define pain? I am sure you must have felt it at some point of time in you lives. You stand there Numb, Motionless, Away from the realities of this world. Momentarily you come back, you try to breathe, you try to feel, you try to react but you can’t, It’s like as if someone is smothering you, pulling you deep down inside a never ending chasm. Next comes the long silence which hurts you even more followed by a shriek inside your mind. You try to close your eyes, you want to cry, you want to scream in agony. Next moment you find yourself laughing, laughing so intensely that you start to tremble. Oh lord, is this a bad dream, am I hallucinating. You want to say something but the sound doesn’t come out. You continue laughing; your whole life starts running like a movie in front of you. You want to go back in time, you want to rewind the movie but you can’t move. Dead Silence and then it comes out, your first tear, and then next moment you find yourself lying on the floor howling, screaming, and bawling incessantly. It’s like a volcano which just erupted; everything which was stuck inside now finds a way out. And then it’s a blackout.

The day after the storm appears so peaceful as if nothing had happened. You begin to doubt if at all there was any storm or was it just an illusion, a nightmare maybe. You feel relaxed but wait something is missing. Did it really happen? Did she really go? Where am I?
I went to bed again thinking I am still watching a dream, pretty real though. I woke up in evening next, still something is missing. Oh lord, please I am not really strong, I am just a poor kid, don’t do this to me. The bad feeling keeps sinking inside; the catharsis was not strong enough to keep it out. It chokes your throat, it submerges your heart. Oh lord, please don’t do this to me. I am no sinner, I never meant to do any harm, you know I had true intentions. I kept on repeating these lines but she didn’t come back. It took me 3 days to come out of my home. I started behaving like a zombie, who has no life, no purpose. I used to stay in silence for so long that it started scaring me. I kept on waiting for her call, thinking she would definitely come back. But it was as if she completely forgot my existence. All the good things which we shared, all the trust we built, all the magic which existed, everything went away. It was as if only I remembered all the things and everybody else just didn’t remember anything. They were behaving as if nothing happened at all. It was like all those 8 months which we two shared was a dream and this was the actual reality. How quickly some people can move on with their lives as if nothing happened yesterday and there are some who just hold onto the point at which the separation occurred.

After these four years, I knew I had become Comfortable Numb. I allowed the pain, memories, to settle down. Infact they were so deep that no Catharsis was strong enough to push them out of my body. I needed something strong, some powerful intervention which can heal these deep wounds and I prayed to God to take my soul to purgatory so that in his divine presence, it could be rinsed of all the sins committed by me.

Chapter: 12

SOMEWHERE I BELONG
15th March 2008

It happened in my case, even after 4 years I still have not been able to move on. I still am standing at those cross roads waiting for the 16 year old Anie to come back and take me with her. I still have not been able to realize that she infact has moved on, the old Anie which I met and the one which now exists are not the same. Although nobody would feel this, but only me because in Anie’s life that change was bound to come, because she wasn’t the one who changed her path of karma but it was me whose path didn’t move ahead with hers. I will explain with an example, refer the diagram above:

Assume 2 people A1 and B1 who are supposed to meet in this life, initially they both are carrying same charge which attracts both of those two towards their meeting or intersection points which is oppositely charged. How these Intersection or Meeting zones are created and destroyed are purely the work of destiny and your karma. Gradually and slowly these 2 people who were unaware of each other’s existences would meet one day. Now it depends how long these 2 people stay with each other, it can be 1 minute, 1 day or maybe 1 year or 1 decade. This entirely depends on other factors like destiny, karma etc. Now after the time expires, intersection zone will attain neutral charge and thus there will be no binding agent left and these 2 people will start going away from the core owing to their same charges. Now Intersection zone doesn’t attain neutral charge on its own, here comes role of circumstances, destiny, and other factors.

Now if somehow these circumstances are bi-product of both these people’s wish then both will be affected in same manner, like take an e.g. of divorce in which husband and wife both want to go away from each other, In those cases both the people will be pushed away with equal and opposite force by the core after their time expires.

But in cases like mine, when our time was about to expire, I tried to create another Intersection zone by taking the next step (proposing her). So what really should have happened was, gradually our first intersection zone would have died, now I am not saying it would have died in 2004, that was my assumption it was weakening, in reality who knows it would have stayed on for 20-30 years also but because I tried creating a new intersection zone, our old intersection zone which symbolized friendship got fused because remember the first intersection zone was meant for both of us and if any one of us tried to go away to another zone, the whole purpose of first intersection zone gets destroyed.

So what happened exactly was something like this:
1.We both met because of our karmas and good work in past lives. God saw two good souls and he created an intersection zone, and we both reached our meeting point in 2003 May.
2.I reached the peak of my insecurity phase ( which again we cannot categorize, maybe this was how we had to split and that is why I started having those insecurities or maybe it was not at all in the script set by God and was entirely my setup)
3.So I create another intersection zone nearby so that we can both jump onto it and continue being with each other.
4.Next I jumped to newly created zone causing the fusing of old zone because the whole purpose of old zone is lost.
5.Anie didn’t jump onto the new zone and because the old zone is also fused, she starts drifting away from me.
6.Now I am still stuck with my new zone and can only see Anie go far away.

So even after all these 4 years I am still stuck onto my intersection zone and Anie is drifting away somewhere else. I am not leaving this intersection, I am stuck onto this, I am afraid to let go because if I let go then I never can get her back. But the point which I am failing to understand is, she was not ready for this new zone and that is why drifted away. We cannot predict, maybe in future there might be a new zone created on which we both can again meet. But that is going to happen only if I let go of this zone. Only when I will let her old memories go, only when I will let the old Anie go can I ever think of meeting with the new Anie who is currently drifting far and far away. Remember she left 4 years back and I am still at the same point, you can imagine how far ahead she is right now. If for my whole life I keep thinking about the old Anie I will never ever meet the new Anie.

I definitely need to let go of this zone, I should not be here, I belong somewhere else, Somewhere I belong. And the Song by Linkin Park appears so true, especially these lines :

Nothing to gain, I am hollow and alone

And the fault is my own and the fault is my own.

I wanna heal i wanna feel what i thought was never real

I wanna let go of the pain ive felt so long.

Erase all the pain til its gone

I wanna heal i wanna feel like im close to something real.

I wanna find something ive wanted all along

Somewhere i belong

Chapter: 14

THE VOICE INSIDE SPEAKS
17th March 2008

You were always afraid of Change all these years. You would not allow yourself to change; You would not allow your friends to change. You didn’t even allow Anie to change. If only you had understood that Change is Inevitable, all these things would never take place, this book which you are writing, would not exist. And you both would still be friends. Only because you were afraid that she will change after going to new school, forget you after making new friends there, those insecurities you experienced were all because you couldn’t accept Change. You told earlier to keep kids away in a shell so that they don’t change, but it’s not possible to do so. Change is inevitable, and if you try to stop it then it is only you who will remain behind, everyone else will move ahead. You were angry with Anie that she forgot you, she moved on leaving you behind. But today you have to realize it wasn’t her fault that you didn’t move on. It was your decision, you chose to stay fixed to your zone and wait for something that never ever was there at all. You tried to hang onto your zone and wait for eternity, believing that someday she will come back. What a fool you were, she left 4 years back and that too because of your stupidity, because you weren’t ready to accept the change in your friendship. You weren’t ready that she should make new friends. Only because you were adamant that she should remain that same old Anie each and everyday.

You cried so much when you talked to her in 2005; you blamed God first, telling him that he was responsible for her condition. He is the one because of whom she changed, but never once you realized that only person who should be blamed was you. You complained to God that he is responsible for bringing problems in our friendship; You used to tell him each and every day why can’t you make things like they were before? But never once it occurred to you that why am I trying to live in the past? Why I am so afraid of future? Why don’t you first accept the change and then talk about these things. If you would have accepted the change then I can guarantee you that all the problems mentioned by you and cried over by you were not actually problems, they were part of growing up, they were part of this ever changing universe. How could you think also that you could stop this change, each and every second as time passes you are changing, each and every second world around you is changing, each and every second the whole universe is changing my friend and you talk about stopping this change. Are you a fool? How long will you stay in your comfort zone? Why don’t you face this reality? Why do you fear change when ultimately this change is part of nature. Just accept it once and see what change comes in your life.

You talk about World changing into phony place, but don’t you see this is inevitable, if you try to distance yourself from it, the only person who will suffer will be you and nobody else. And when you will suffer you will blame it even more, thinking you are the only honest and pure soul around and everyone else is phony. But my friend, don’t you see ultimately the person who is suffering is you.

Then you also will complain to God that God why you punish me? I did all the right things, I wanted to protect innocence, and I wanted to protect truth. But who asked you to do all this. Why couldn’t you simply accept that you cannot protect these things. Ok of course you can protect them till a certain age, like for example take case of Anie who was very innocent, pure as an angel when you met her. Alrite so what did you do, you took the oath to protect her for the rest of your life. Hello, you cared to ask her what she wanted. You are trying to impose your decisions on the other person. It was definitely required till certain age but you did saw that she suffered a lot with that Angel Heart, people who were phony as per you, were bad to her. Now did you want this? You felt she should not change, but did she get any reward or medal by being that angel, all that the poor soul got was dejection. You told that since she was different, she could not adjust. Now is that good or bad? You wanted to see her as a pure and innocent soul throughout her life but what exactly she would have benefitted from that, can you please enlighten me. Didn’t you feel it was better if she also could be smart, bold, strong.

You said that if you were there in her life you would not have let her become like this. What like this…you wanted her to be weak, feeble, and dependent on you for her life. How fair is that. Listen, I am not telling you to become a crook, dupe somebody, fool somebody. All I am trying to say is that you should be exposed to them starting from a certain age and then after you see all these qualities on the other side of fence, then you should decide which side you want to be on? If you remain on one side of fence, if you will see only good people, then tell me how you will deal with bad people. You wont be able to, they will use you and through you away. Only if you go to other side of the fence you can learn their tricks can you fight them.

You should still remember that I still am in favor of the Good Side but now in this world, you cannot survive only with good qualities, you need to learn trickery as well. But yes after you see all of the qualities on the bad side, you should come back to the good side. But sometimes people remain there only, as it is more easier to follow bad habits. Then my friend you are definitely required to bring them to the right path, for those people you become the guardian or the protector, because they need to be brought to the good side. But once you have to let everyone go to the other side and wait, if they were pure and innocent in beginning they will definitely come back to your side. And they will be strong and bold just like you and will be ready to face the phony world much better.

You have to let them fall once or twice and then only help them if they cant get up again. But if you never let them fall ever, then nobody will be able to help them once they fall. And trust me in this world, everybody will go once to the other side of the fence. And if he/she doesn’t go then that person will suffer the most at the hands of the other people. He/she will be weak, will try to remember his golden childhood days when everything used to be so rosy, he/she will try to take his friends and his family right back there in his past so that none of the strong people can touch them but ultimately what he will end up doing is not only becoming weak, feeble but also afraid of the world, afraid of the change. He will start complaining again feel alone and troubled by the fact that god is punishing him despite him being the protector of angel, despite him having the most pure heart on this universe but he will never understand the truth that unless and until he accepts the world they way it is, unless and until this Cocoon around his family and friends is broken, unless and until he starts living in the present and stop thinking about past, he shall continue to suffer and continue to think himself as the most miserable person on this planet despite being on the good side of the fence.

It is your choice now either you keep complaining about the phoniness in this world, u keep complaining about deceit, trickery or you be brave, accept the change and try to fight these evilness using their armor.

You used to say why did I get punished when I didn’t commit any sin? Do u see the sin now? Do you see the problem now? So stop complaining and start understanding the need of the hour and start accepting those problems as part of change. Not you, not this world, not this entire universe can stop this ineveitable, if a person has changed, then it’s definitely for good and for fighting against the bad.

I understood what the voice inside my head was telling me to do. I had to accept this change, as part growing up. I never allowed myself to grow up, I still wanted to remain a child and wanted my friends also to be like that. But this is not right, this is going against nature's wish. I have to let go, and also move on. I thanked the voice inside for providing me this insight, and everything became clear to me that day.

EPILOGUE

The purpose of this book is now complete. I have learnt so much from the time I started this book and now when I finish this book I feel stronger. It’s like a rebirth; I feel I am entering a new life now, leaving all my worries, all my problems behind. I have gained so much that encompassing all those thoughts would need more than 100 pages but I just want to say one thing in the end, Many times in life you will be facing situations for which you don’t understand the purpose behind them at that moment, but you have to believe in one thing whatever happens in life happens for a reason, you may not understand the reason initially and you might feel this thing which happened is the worst thing to happen to me, but trust me one day, you will understand that it was for your own good.

Now I must move on, on this new journey in which I will accept change without any fear, accept it as part of my life. I don’t know if I can meet Anie ever in future, but now after moving on I don’t have any regrets and guilt left. I just hope she has become stronger, more powerful, and ready to take on world. I pray to God that she succeeds in all her endeavors. Now it’s my turn to do the same and I am confident I will achieve it.

Last but not the least I want to Thank God for showing me the right path and I hope he is always there to guide me in future.

I would like to end this book by a famous quote by Alan Cohen:

"It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power."